My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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