Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
