I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize