Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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