At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
