Quick, to the slutcave!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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