I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
where am i from again
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
