no you cant smoke seaweed
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
