Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
