how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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