Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
