i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
