I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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