apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
