Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
