people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
