Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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