I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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