So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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