i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
