He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
