im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
