my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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