peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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