Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
