is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
