im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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