I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
