If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
