Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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