i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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