That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
3pm strippers are depressing
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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