Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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