No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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