oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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