i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
