Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
