you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
