i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
