she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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