Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
