Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Is it because I queefed?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
