My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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