I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
