I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
