If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
