if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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