apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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