Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just threw up on my dentist
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
