I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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