he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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