Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
