So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
