Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
