My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
