i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
