I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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