Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
