for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
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Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
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I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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